“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
-1 Corinthians 13:1-13
With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is hard not to think about where we are in our love lives. If you are in a relationship you are probably making plans and reservations to spend time with “BAE.” If you are not in a relationship you may be trying to avoid Valentine’s Day altogether, and if you are like me you are somewhere in the middle. I consider myself to be pretty neutral when it comes to V-Day and so is my fiancé. So it works perfectly. But what else can be said for Valentine’s Day?
Heart shaped box candy; stuffed animals and red decorations are everywhere! The market for love is open and ready for sale! I cannot help but to think about cupid and his arrows. Seeing so much emphasis around love makes me think of love in so many different ways. One way being, what is the meaning of love and where does it start? What I am realizing is love starts within. I know we hear this all time and it is hard to say I do/did not love myself. But honestly, there was a time that I, MYSELF, did not TRULY love MYSELF. I did not realize it in the moment, but retrospect is 20/20. The things I would do “love,” settling and compromising showed me that I did not love myself in the way that I needed to love me.
It is human nature to crave companionship but what if we loved ourselves first the way we wanted someone to love us? After some reflection, I was doing the same things and expecting a different result. I was dating different people, but I was no different and every relationship turned out the same. I would sacrifice and compromise thinking that is what happens in relationships, and in the end I would become frustrated thinking I was the only one making all of the sacrifices and compromises. I felt in some situations I was losing myself trying to be what I thought I needed to be. I was not being authentic to who I was dating or myself. I remember being upset in a past relationship because I felt he did not know how to love me, but how could he when I didn’t even know how to love myself? I felt I was pouring all of my energy and love into him and not being completely honest about what I needed or wanted, because I felt if I did everything he needed and wanted he would love me how I needed to be loved in return. I was afraid I would lose the relationship if I were honest about my own needs and wants. I just wanted the relationship work. That was my “love” pattern, to give what I thought was needed with the expectation reciprocation. As long as I gave love I would be loved. That is not how it works. People learn how to love you in the way that you love yourself not in the way that you love them.
I finally had an epiphany. It all starts INTERNALLY. Which may not seem like such a break through because it is something we hear all the time. But, this epiphany included actions, work and real effort I needed to put forth for change. I wanted to be truly authentic and happy in life. To get to this point of self-love and awareness, I had to first hold myself accountable with NO excuses. What ever happened was because I allowed it. I had to accept and own my part. Whatever they did was up to them to settle within themselves. We are all responsible for ourselves. Next, I had to forgive myself and let the things I felt I did wrong go. Everyday we get the chance to reflect, learn and be better than we were the day before. Patience and kindness with myself was key through this journey. We are all learning, growing and making mistakes. My patterns had become habits and it took a conscious effort to break those habits. It did not happen overnight and there were setbacks. I experienced times of doubt and loneliness, but I had to learn not to let those moments narrate my journey. Lastly, I had to be humble in my journey, I am able to understand others and respect their journeys. We have to learn not to take things so personally because everyone is on their own unique path, but it also helps me see and accept my part in situations. We are all trying to figure it out and it’s not easy. We all have traumas and pasts we have to navigate through and if we allow them they will dictate our lives.
I spent a good chunk of my life trying to figure out what love was and what it meant to be in love. I thought love was someone loving me how I should have loved myself. I would get upset because they were not filling my voids. Can you believe that, not filling MY VOIDS?! We are responsible for our own healing. I was not looking at myself first I was holding the world accountable for me feeling loved. Once I began to reflect on my life and my “love” patterns, I realized I had some changes I needed to make. The biggest change was to ABSOLUTELY love my self.
This journey has allowed me to let go and lose things and people that did not add anything to my life. I am also able to freely let go of what I could not pour into and feel ok about it; because our purpose is not always to receive; sometimes our purpose in people’s lives is to give. I am now able to give freely not because I feel I am supposed to receive something in return but because I want to, genuinely.
I struggled for a long time with saying NO and feeling obligated to people. I gave up the unhealthy emotional attachments and what did not serve a purpose in my life. We tend to think of letting things go as negative or if we lose someone or something that we wont have anything left. We may also think there is something wrong with us if people let us go. I gave that thinking up because I already had what I needed. ME! And I am enough.
Like I mentioned earlier, we have to be patient, kind, and humble. This requires training your mind to do something different than what it is use to doing. It is becoming self-conscious in a way that serves you and letting go of the unconscious thinking we are use to. This unconscious thinking can be due to what we have seen, things we have been through ourselves, what society tells us, etc. It is the way we function to protect ourselves and survive. At times I still feel bad about saying no, but it is the fact that I recognize I have to put me first. To be selfish and mindful does not mean to be cold or emotionless, it just means to listen to yourself and be cognizant of your needs.
Love is internal and reflected externally. We teach people how to treat us and love us by loving ourselves. If we do not love ourselves first we will try to create external love and be afraid to lose the crumbs that people give us. We will be telling them how they decide to love us is fine. For me, this not only applies to intimate relationships but friends and family as well.
I hope everyone enjoys their V-Day and remember, love is patient and love is kind, and love starts with in. Happy Valentines Day!
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E.L.Savage 
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