What is meditation? To me meditation has been the difference between LIFE and DEATH in a sense. I did not necessarily want to die because that scared me but I also didn’t want to feel bad anymore. It’s a feeling of being trapped and having no way out. I have had thoughts in the past of just wanting a way out, wanting to be removed from a situation, and just wanting the feelings I was experiencing to be over because what I was going through felt so heavy at the time.

Honestly, the thought of death was scary as hell. It scared me to think I was feeling anxious, depressed and even having thoughts of not being here. I just thought if I did something I would totally regret it because that shit is permanent. Those thoughts of “if I were dead I wouldn’t have to deal with life or the situation” were my alarm to wake up!! I was consumed by worry and regret. This is what I mean when I say the difference between life and death; having an existence that does not feel purposeful, anxiety that manifests physically, constant regret and fear. That is what I was experiencing, it wouldn’t go away and I did not truly know how to make it go away. I was just existing in it hoping one day I would just feel better.

At that point, I felt I needed to see someone. I started looking for a therapist. When I think back I waited until I got to the point of fear to see a professional, which probably most of us do. In retrospect I probably should have went way before it got to the point it did. I ignored when I was having chest pains, couldn’t sleep, or even when one morning I woke up and I felt I had a lump in my throat. These were all signs of anxiety. I say that to say, don’t wait. Listen to what your body is telling you and how it’s responding to situations. One of the first things the therapist talked to me about was meditation. I had been interested in meditation for a while but at that time I was only using art as a tool for meditation and relaxing. The therapist suggested meditation and journaling, which were things I already did and pursuing, but it became more evident that meditation would be beneficial in my journey and healing process.

Many did not know but I was in a really dark place at that time and I had to literally FIGHT to get out of it. In those moments even though people were there physically, I felt totally alone. Honestly, my son needing me was the biggest cause for me to fight. Him needing me was reason for me to become better for him and myself. When faced with mental battles such a grief, stress, anxiety and/or depression I found it was helpful, in retrospect, to find at least one thing that needed me to survive outside of myself. Love and purpose is what drives us as humans. Everyone’s purpose for survival maybe different, but I believe there is something or someone we all love worth fighting for. We all have a purpose we are seeking or that we are walking in. The key for me was to hold onto that. Every time my mind would fill with anxiety I would just think “it will be ok, this is only temporary, and what would my son do with out me.” I had to be stronger than what my mind was telling me. I was in a real battle with myself.

Our minds are extremely powerful, and I felt alone in my thoughts. Either my thoughts would destroy me or push me to be better. I chose for them to push me into greatness! I wanted to LIVE! I wanted to feel true love, true purpose and fulfillment. That meant, I had to work through my past. I had to acknowledge my past mostly the parts I was not proud of. I had to go back through it and face it WITHOUT judgment. During meditation we are taught to allow thoughts to happen outside of our focus. If you have a thought accept the thought, no judgment, and let it drift away. I went through it, accepted it happened, erased the judgment, let it pass and returned to my center (the present). I started to feel as if I were meeting myself for the first time. I started to thinking differently and become more positive and focused. Things that bothered me before stopped having such an impact on me mentally. I was also able to see things as they are with out thinking how should this make me feel. It was like just looking at the facts. I started to become more confident and accepting of who I really am.

My focus became happiness, and what that truly meant for me. I wanted to be a better person to myself. I wanted to love me in a way that I have tried to love everyone else. I decided to be kind, patient, forgive, and let go of mistakes I felt I made when I wasn’t serving my higher self. I released the past and practiced not living in the future. Releasing what I want outcomes to be or what I think should come of situations. Letting go of those expectations was freeing! My mantras became “trust the process” and “follow your path, to your purpose.” I was beginning to be mindful and live in the present as a lifestyle.

In the beginning, I didn’t truly understand how meditation worked. My idea of meditation was sitting down, crossing my legs “Indian style,” closing my eyes and not thinking. Which, I proved to be unsuccessful in my attempts of not thinking. I would dabble here and there, trying different techniques I read or heard about. I started reading about mindfulness and that’s when I really started to understand meditation. Meditation is to be mindful. It is to look closely at a specific thing, situation or circumstance as it is presently. Art was my way to meditate. I was able to be calm while drawing or painting and just focus on what was at hand. I would allow thoughts to come and go outside of painting but would return my thoughts every time to my paint and canvas.

I am now at a point where I incorporate mindfulness daily. I practice it while making coffee, while eating, folding clothes, etc. I recently heard someone refer to it as “meditation in movement.” I have also started to try different visualization and breathing techniques during my meditation sessions that do not include art or any motion and I am truly enjoying learning and growing. The climate that is upon us now has tested my mindfulness and ability to stay in the now, but it just means I have to heighten my consciousness. This means allowing thoughts to happen and let them pass without judgment even more. It also means knowing when to “log off.” It is so much “information” out here being thrown at us. It is up to us to catch it or block it. I take in only what I can handle. Once I start feeling weighed down and heavy I know it is time to disconnect.

Meditation is a tool to assist with mindfulness. Meditation helps us to focus on the now. It helps to calm the mind and maintain balance. My issue in the beginning with meditation was myself. In the beginning my mind was racing. I was constantly thinking about what if, and the what if’s weren’t just of tomorrow but they were of yesterday as well. I had to start living a life that let go of those what if’s. Once I started to let the what if’s go, it was then that I started to get the most out of my meditation. Being mindful and meditating helped me to be more self aware, which has helped me in the process of repair. Meditation encourages patience. It encourages us to release the want for control over what can not be controlled and focus on what is controllable. The only thing we can control is our mind and ourselves.

So, what is meditation? Meditation for me is LIFE. It is feeling yourself breathe, feeling your heart beat, and being aware that you are here now and LIVING! The blood is flowing through your veins and you are energy having physical experiences. My past and my future was killing me. It was stealing my present. Now, I am living in my journey and accepting my path. Trusting the process.

I hope you feel inspired and ready to live in the NOW!

Disclaimer: While meditation is extremely helpful, it took a lot of work outside of meditation for me to truly heal. This is just a small portion of my experience and journey. Please do not be afraid to ask for help if you are going through a rough time. We could all use a hand from time to time.

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Peace!

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